The Diary of Severus Snape
by TrinityTheSheDevil
Summary: The diary of Snape, lasting through Harry's years at Hogwarts. Humor Written with LeggyLover03.
1. Chapter 1 of 7

Title: The Diary of Severus Snape 1/7  
Authors: **TrinityTheSheDevil and LeggyLover03**  
Rating: T (Teen) at least!  
Genre: Humor  
Warnings: Completely AU and totally OOC. If you're here looking for canon, please go elsewhere. We're so far off the mark it isn't even funny ... but ... yet it is funny! Mwahahahaha.  
Summary: The diary of Snape, lasting through Harry's years at Hogwarts. (Written with LeggyLover03.)

A/N:

This was inspired by my (Trin's) "Diary of a Father" fic and Rhonda's (LeggyLover's) "The Diary of Elrond". We decided to put our heads together and see what evilness would spill out. This was it. Do enjoy but remember, it is all in good fun. If you've read either of our fics, you should have some inkling of what to expect. If not, please keep your arms and legs inside the car at all times until the ride comes to a complete stop!

-

**Year 1**

**September - **

I, Severus Snape, have decided to start a diary for the coming years. I feel that I will need an outlet for my suffering; yes, suffering. For Harry Potter has come to Hogwarts. Pah. He rather looks like a pansy if you ask me. Honestly, You-Know-Who couldn't off that four-eyed brat? He looks like a stiff wind could knock him over. I shall, of course, give him the usual Slytherin greeting. He is Gryffindor, after all, much like his airhead of a father.

**_- One Week Later - _**

So I have learned to never sneak up on Potter. Especially while he is brewing an everlasting paint potion. A scalding hot cauldron of red everlasting paint, knocked into my lap, is not a good thing. Burns should not be there and my ... unmentionable now looks like a red valentine sucker, covered in blisters. Ow ow ow. Where did I put that everlasting ice. Potter is dead.

**October -**

It is now Halloween and I feel revenge is imminent. The brat Harry Potter will be the death of me. He has turned Dumbledore into a bumbling pile of goo whenever he is around, I therefore have a surprise for him.

In my brilliance I have let a troll into the castle and given it a single thought, rid me of Harry Potter, my mistake. It seems trolls, like Quirrell are not the most intelligent creatures despite what Hagrid says. Harry and the duo of twits he calls friends have torn the bathroom apart and knocked it unconscious.

Dumbledore is furious, McGonagall is now swooning over all three and I have been left to dispose of the troll who has slobbered on itself and released everything in its colon onto the floor.

Dumbledore has assured me that I need to do this chore without the use of magic as punishment, and as I wade through the piles of snot and shit I swear vengence on Harry Potter, also I feel Quirrell must die for he is an idiot.

**November -**

As fall is decidedly upon us, I had the urge to go outside and rest among the grass and browning trees. However it seemed that to others, this was the opportune moment. Perhaps they thought it to be funny (well I certainly did not see the humor in it) when the trio of brats bewitched the pile of leaves Hagrid had raked so that it would attack me ... and then "eat" me. Honestly, leaves were not the only thing in that pile and as I sat in the "stomach" of the giant leaf monster (who seemed fascinated with other trees) among the piles of feces and bugs and other disgusting things, I plotted payback.

Well, I plotted until the leaf monster decided to make love to the whomping willow. The willow does have good striking distance; I just thank whoever is listening that Flitwick broke my fall, or surely I would have a broken back.

As it is, the trio are now doing several weeks of detention, studying the sexual habits of flobberworms and their mating signals. I do hope they enjoy the stench of the male flobberworms mating call, they will not be able to wash it out for a very long time.

**December - **

Hohoho my arse. The holidays are upon us and again I received no gift. Correction I did receive a flaming bag of dragon shit by my door the other day but I do not call that a gift.

The students have left for the winter break and yet I still see Harry Potter. I loathe him, I wish nothing but the worst for him, and at the moment the thought of strangling him with one of the garlands is not far from my mind.

I must write about the Yule festivities. I avoided Potter for most of the night, deciding instead to linger by the punch bowl, again I say my mistake. The heathen spiked the punch and after six cups I found myself growing very warm. I should have known when McGonagall started looking appealing to stop drinking, but I was drowning my sorrows and chugged another glass. 

I awoke to find myself dressed in a red suit, McGonagall in nothing more than her tartan bonnet laying beside me. Slowly I tried to creep from underneath her but she seemed to be happy where she was. An hour later the thought of gnawing my arm off to get away seemed acceptable, and that it when my door slowly opened and the flash of a camera going off alerted me to the situation.

I jumped up, wand in hand and chased the culprits out the door, only to feel a draft. It seems I was only wearing the upper part of the suit and now I am left standing in the hallway in a red thong. I must return to my room and obliviate McGonagall.

And they heard me exclaim as Potter dove out of sight, "Who painted my testicles red, green, and white!"

**January -**

I have a pretty good idea about who spiked my tea (I should be wary of any and all food and/or liquids by now, I'm sure) and had me go figure skating on the frozen lake, clad in nothing but a scarf. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that my body was that flexible; indeed, it is not, unless jinxed by a certain Gryffindor and his friends.

As well, the headmaster himself seemed delighted at the entertainment from his window (for all of half an hour, before he realized that my manhood was swaying in the cold, looking for all the world like a frozen, hairy popsicle) as he gave me points from his wand for the tricks I performed. The entire student body also enjoyed my performance, since they took pictures - for Christmas cards, next year, I'm sure.

Thankfully McGonagall stopped entire thing - she will pay for that little smirk later however - and obliviated all of the students, confiscating any cameras that she could find too. Harry, Hermione, and Ron are in detention (although they now have no idea why) and I myself - after tenderly snapping off the frozen icicles hanging from my crevices - am soaking in a hot tub, waiting for my manhood to return from hiding since it was very, very cold outside.

**February - **

Another wasted holiday as I sit here alone, and with no card. McGonagall did feel sorry for me and sent me a card but after Yule I had to burn it along with the lasting memories.

The Gryffindors have made me violently ill by poisoning a batch of brownies with what the muggle vermin call Ex-lax. I have prayed to every God in every religion that I know of to stop the release of my bowels but none have listened and I have spent over half the day laying next to the toilet, afraid the venture to far. It is here that my owl found me.

I untied the card from her talon and opened it up, but what was inside gave me no comfort at all. It seems Alabastor Moody was looking at more than he was supposed to last time he was here and now he wishes to come to comfort me in my time of need.

Before I can scurry from the loo he enters my room, and proceeds towards me. He offers me a drink, and I take it and down the contents of his flask. The smile on his face assures me I cannot possibly be drunk enough, and when he opens his trench coat I see that he is dressed in nothing but a nappie, and is holding a bow an arrow.

I try to run, really I did, diving for my wand. He has admonished me for not having it with me, some nonsense about constant vilgilance. He is now hanging by his nappie from the top of the astronomy tower and I am in my rooms trying to remove his arrow from my arse. Potter must know about this, and therefore should be maimed, but first I feel a bottle of lubricant is in order for this is going to hurt coming out.

**March - **

Looking back, I realize now that my first mistake was ever agreeing to possibly the dumbest idea in the history of Hogwarts. It seems some of the students wished to create a play, of sorts. After some debate, they decided upon some muggle writer's (Token, I believe his name was) book about a magic ring and house elf wars. Or something, I don't have time to actually read these things. 

They came to me with the idea that I could be in their play, as they had the perfect part for me. After I agreed, I was then transfigured into a shiny ring and put on none other than Harry Potter's finger.

Even in my then state, I could hear him snickering away and knew that it was his idea. He will die.

It was not so bad in the beginning - I was fought over, fought over some more, and found by some odd creature. However, in the middle of the play when the Ring (Ring, being me) was supposed to flip through the air and land on Harry's finger, somehow someone missed.

Instead, I was swallowed by Harry Potter. Odd when one says that, but I was. And apparently, I learn after I ... escaped ... that the only thing Dumbledore could think of was to let me be ... digested.

The digestive track of Harry Potter is disgusting, to say in the least. However that was not the worst part, oh no. But we will not speak of that and as soon as I finish this entry, Dumbledore has agreed to obliviate me. They did not even have to decency to wash me off when I was in ring form! No, they just transfigured me back to normal. 

Three showers later, I am still not clean enough. What does that boy eat anyway!

In closing, I will just say that I hope Harry Potter's asshole is hurting him as much as possible, since it was not made to accommodate a shiny ring!

**April - **

How is it three eleven year old children can cause me so much grief. I begged Dumbledore just the other day to let me rid him of of them all, but he told me in no uncertain terms no. I could have done without the four hour lecture on my inability to convey love an understanding.

The Dark Lord is calling and my robes have not been returned by the stupid house elves. I will give them all clothes once I have hung them by their ears from the ceiling.

I apparated to the Dark Lord and was summoned at once to the inner circle to join the others. I could feel him staring at me and he called me forward.

"Prepare the potion," he said. Always he wants me to prepare the potion as if he never learned anything in all his years at Hogwarts. Personally I have heard the rumors, he was less than popular with the women.

I pull my wand from my pocket to stir his wicked potion, but it was not my wand. It seems I have been pranked yet again and instead I now hold a rather large example of the male anatomy. This is sure to get me a curse or two, but at the moment the Dark Lord is too busy staring in awe at the thing which is now wiggling in my hand.

Potter will die as soon as I can remove the curse which has me standing on my head.

I have returned to the castle a bit drained. The Dark Lord has cursed me many times and now I am in search of Potter. I find him, but of course he is surrounded by his fellow Gryffindors. I will bide my time but soon Potter will be in need of Madame Pomfrey to remove my foot from his arse.

**May - **

It is getting warmer and nearing the end of the schoolyear. As well, the time for end of year tests draws closer. Tension is thick in the air. I have already dodged three curses this week from high-strung six years. Doubling my guard, I am on the lookout constantly for potential hazards and dangerous situations. You would think that working for You-Know-Who would mean I am very good at detecting stealth. Strong in the matters of curses and spells, quick in defending myself, and damn near indestructible.

Alas, I was taken out by an eleven year old boy and his partners in crime.

As I sit here, hanging from the ceiling of the great hall with my robe wrapped around my head with Dumbledore asking WHY am I wearing Garfield underpants, I realize that Harry Potter is indeed a force to be reckoned with; also I thank my stars that today I decided to wear any underpants at all.

**June - **

I was so excited as today was the last day for students. No more Potter, I would be free from him for the entire summer, but he had other plans.

I was making my rounds in potions class when I felt I should give back to Potter since he has been so giving to me. I walked past his cauldron and let the released the most heinous gas. It was silent but the look on his face was priceless as he gagged. I felt quite good if I do say so myself.

My happiness was short lived. Granger is far too smart for her own good and gave Potter a spell. I again walked past him to release the bean curd I had eaten, but as I released the putrid smell my anus started to burn. Not just any burn, but a slow burn which seemed to intensify with each passing second, along with an itching sensation that had me dying to dig into my trousers for relief.

I am now standing with the other teachers seeing off the brats for summer. I regret eating the roast beef at lunch as the gas has been building up all day. Before the train can leave I feel another spasm and I cannot hold this one in. 

I release it and my eyes water the smell making me gag, the green smoke billowing from my arse giving away my secret. McGonagall has retched upon my shoes, Filch's cat scratching at my arse as if it were a litter pan, and then itching sensation has returned. All the other teachers are waving goodbye but I cannot overcome the need, and soon I find I must scratch my arse.

Potter and Granger will feel my wrath next year, but for now I think I am going to go and scoot my ass across the dew soaked lawn.

**July -**

As I have been given the duty of checking up on Harry, I have learned many things about the house where he stays. Mainly, how can his cousin be so FAT? Honestly I have seen fat and that is beyond my comprehension. Maybe it is just me but you would think his parents put him on a diet before he stroked out. Oh well.

Harry's birthday came along, and though I did not expect him to get much, I at least expected him to get some kind of nice gift. It was not so and I - and I will never admit it to another being, ever - felt rather bad. So for Harry, I gave him a wonderful night of entertainment, which was the best I could do.

I do hope he enjoyed watching as his cousin was turned into a real cow and set loose in a pasture just outside of town. Of course I sent his uncle a message - obviously in secret - informing him that it was not Harry who had performed the magic, and that if he did not straighten up his act he would find his entire family growing fur and living their life eating grass with the other givers of milk.

And now, as August comes upon me, I have found myself completing a task for the Dark Lord. My next entry will most likely be in September, with the start of the new school year.

Wish me the best of luck. 

Always,  
Severus Snape

-

**End**

Reviews welcome. :)


	2. Chapter 2 of 7

Title: The Diary of Severus Snape 2/7  
Authors: **TrinityTheSheDevil and LeggyLover03 **  
Rating: T (Teen) at least!  
Genre: Humor  
Warnings: Completely AU and totally OOC. If you're here looking for canon, please go elsewhere. We're so far off the mark it isn't even funny ... but ... yet it is funny! Mwahahahaha.  
Summary: The diary of Snape, lasting through Harry's years at Hogwarts. (Written with LeggyLover03.)

A/N:

I'm sorry if I did not respond to any reviews. It seems that I - somehow - accidentally put the site on block and therefore wasn't able to receive anything. (Quite aggravating, I assure you, since I have no idea what fics have been updated in the entire time that the site was on block. Grr.) It has been fixed now, and we hope that you all enjoy this chapter as much as the first one. Don't worry, it is just as - if not more - evil. Hehe!

-

**Year 2**

**September -**

Back to Hogwarts already it seems. And Harry Potter's second year. I immediately knew that the year would be just as bad as his first, when he and that dratted friend of his crashed the flying car into the Whomping Willow. Honestly, how could one be so stupid as to hit ... nevermind. I thought it would be a good thing to bring them to my office and give them a stern talking to, as well as a few dark glares. Wrong, wrong, wrong again.

While I had my back turned lecturing them - I know, I've learned from my lesson now, okay? - they let loose something small and furry in my office. It hid in the bookcase.

After they left the office and I had settled down at my desk to enjoy a good book, the furry thing crept up my robe and bit me. The damn squirrel was obviously blind, for I do not think those were the nuts it was looking for.

It probably wouldn't have been so bad if Lockhart hadn't burst in at just that moment. As he watched me beat at my crotch with my wand, he automatically thought that I had ... what was it he called it ... "Incatious Nether Biting Fungus" or some rubbish, and hexed me.

Or well, hexed my crotch.

I now have to venture to the hospital ward, since the idiot froze the squirrel and his teeth into a very sensitive area, and hope that Pomfrey is able to help me. I do hope he has permanent damage from me bashing him with that book, since he was pawing at my robe to see if his hex worked. 

**October -**

I have managed once again to try and maim Potter. I do hope my plan works though for the last time I was thwarted. I had gone to Potter's room to hide in his wardrobe and scare the shit out of him, literally, but I was suddenly not alone any longer.

To my surprise in walked Ginerva Weasley. I smirked thinking she would be an easy target to push aside before Potter arrived so I stepped out from my hiding place. I was not prepared for what happened next.

The small child thrashed me about the head with a book, and when I fell to my knees she planted her, what seemed like size ten foot straight into my testicles. I gasped, and then I laid on the floor clutching them screaming, but she was not through yet. I watched as she tore apart the room like a crazed person. This is not a child of Gryffindor, this is someone possessed.

I heard footsteps and went to try to get away but she turned on me, wand at the ready and yelled Engorgio! I fell back down as she ran out the door but not before kicking me again.

Much to my dismay Potter and his friends walked in while I was screaming some nonsense about "my balls, for the love of Merlin my balls!" 

They fell over in laughter, and it did nothing or my reputation when I had to walk dragging my now engorged testicles out of the room. As I passed over a fallen shoe I screamed and picked them up. There shall be payback in the form of scrubbing urinals, but now for some odd reason I do believe I fear the youngest Weasley child.

**November -**

One has to wonder what deity is watching over Potter from above. As I formed my latest plan to get back at the brat, I was interrupted in the form of a very angry house elf, who had been keeping an eye on the boy.

I must now go and find some ice for the lumps I can feel forming on my head, as for the past half hour I have been beaten by the elf while he screamed "BAD SEVERUS, BAD SEVERUS!" and thrashed me with what looked like a candle holder. He is fast, for someone knee high and wearing a pillow case.

He has been added to my list of Potter Supporters and therefore, is now my enemy.

**December -**

Potter is here again at Christmas! Is there no justice in this world. I have learned to avoid the punch, remembering last year, but I have let my guard down and I am now paying the price.

I made the mistake of falling asleep while I was reading one of my Potions books in my study. Now mind you I don't usually leave the door unlocked, but this time I did, my mistake. Potter and his friends came in and apparently drugged my tea. I did not find out about it till two hours later when I found myself dressed in a red suit that would not come off.

Before I could fully wake I noticed I was riding atop a broom, no - head fuzzy - in that damned car. Potter and Weasley are smirking at me, and I try to hex them, but my wand must be back at Hogwarts. I yell, I scream for them to stop and suddenly they do.

Potter opened the door, while Weasley pinned a note to the front of my red suit and then the bastard pushed me out the door.

I fell, fearing I would die before I hit the ground I shit myself, but I was relieved when I floated safely to touch down, that was till the villagers came out. It was only then that I read the note on my suit.

Eat well, Love Santa Claus. I am now being chased by hungry Ethiopians. Skinny, and malnourished they are, but a hungry Ethiopian has no issues with beating you to death in order to eat your asscheeks for dinner it seems. For now I must run faster, but later Potter must die. 

**January -**

Lockhart must die.

Last night, at the dinner table, he made the comment that I should release my inner beauty and let it shine for the world. I told him the only thing I would release for him would be gas, and in his general direction. He brushed the insult off and started on another topic; I had thought the matter dropped.

As I turned a corner this morning, he caught me unawares and with a flick of his wrist, a blue light shot from his wand and enveloped me. When I awoke, I was in the hospital wing, staring at two of the biggest boobs I had ever seen. 

Attached to me.

Pomfrey is at a lost as to how to remove them and Lockhart insists that the spell was not suppose to work in that fashion, although the boobs did look very nice if he did say so himself. He then asked me what I was doing for dinner and if I would like to autograph pictures with him.

I do hope the vase to the testicles hurt him as much as I think it did.

Now, until the spell can be reversed, I shall hide in my dungeon away from prying eyes.

Although, the boobs ARE in fact rather nice, according to my reflection. Who knew?

**February -**

This is the month for love, and I am in no mood. Lockhart has been going on and on about his many daring saves, and about his good looks. I for one see nothing in him that I find endearing. Dumbledore has assured me that the twins will not be hexing me again this week, but I have assured him that he is a fool if he thinks this.

It seems the Chamber of Secrets has been opened, and Dumbledore has informed Lockhart he could create a Dueling Club. That man could not hex his way out of a paperbag, much less a fight with Death Eaters. 

I arrive to the Club and find him flaunting about, silly man. He then actually has the nerve to test my abilities with a wand and soon finds himself flat of his back. I stare at him and think this is a good position for him to be in, one of servitude, probably with himself.

He sends Potter up next, and of course I send Draco to hex the boy but Potter does not aim for Draco he aims for me and I find myself wondering where the buzzing noise is coming from. I have not time to find out because Draco released a viper on Potter and now I must kill it, or have Dumbledore kill me, but as I go to move the buzzing is louder. I wrinkle my brow and find that I can now see Lockhart, but for some reason he has no clothing on when I see him. 

It is now night time and I am going to hex Lockhart if it is the last thing I do. I sneak down to his room as only I can, and open the door. What I found inside scared me more than the sight of the Dark Lord. I have found the explanation for the buzzing noise, and have been asked to join him in his festivities.

I closed the door quickly and ran for it. Tonight I must purge all visions from my head. It shall be a long night spent by the pensieve.

**March -**

I finally got that Potter back, haha! Take that pansy boy!

The overlarge snake that is terrorizing the school gave me such a brilliant idea. I conjured the image of a snake, and then attacked Potter in the shower. I have never seen him squeal like a girl like that before, but I was greatly amused. Even better was when he tried to run and slipped on the bar of soap, skidding across the shower floor.

I have not laughed like that in ages.

**-A week later-**

Okay so Potter released a giant female gorilla in my room while I was out. Said female gorilla was in heat. Never have I had such a wild night, but now the animal is sated, I am tainted, and when I can pry her gorilla hands from something very important, I shall have Dumbledore obliviate me.

**April -**

The month for pranks, so it seems. I have been bitten, ravaged by mice while I slept, and even been paraded nude down the hall, all thanks to Potter and his friends.

I am quite sure that the Chamber of Secrets is indeed some elaborate scheme of his also. The Heir of Slytherin my ass.

I found him and his friends apparently hatching up some new thing in the hallway and dragged them into the nearest room to question them about it, only to discover it was the girl's bathroom.

At the moment I shrugged it off as no one was in there and proceeded to stun Weasley, and then turn on Potter. I gave him a lecture and then tried to figure out the best way to kill him and still look innocent. I figure maybe Dumbledore would believe possibly that the boy drowned and try shoving his head in the toilet.

It was then that Ginerva walked in again, looking quite frazzled. The little bitch knocked me back, and then from the toilet yet another girl appeared. I have never in all my life seen two girls so insistent that I should die a slow painful death, but these two were.

The small child jumped upon my kidneys like they were a trampoline all the while grunting. I pissed myself three times before she stopped and that was only to shove my head into the toilet.

Both girls left and this is the moment Dumbledore decided to walk in. I have tried to convince him that there was a ghost, a childlike girl ghost, but seeing as he found me with piss on me, with my head in a toilet calling for her to come back I was not believed.

Potter was taken to the hospital ward while I was sent to my room and told to freshen up.

Great way to spend The Day of Fools, walking back to my room, crushed kidney, smelling of piss, and now the Headmaster thinks I talk to the wee people that live in the toilet.

**May -**

With the warmer weather, one would think that this would be a good time to be out and about. Alas, yet again, I am proved wrong.

As I walked into a very secret part of the castle, on the roof, a strange noise assaulted my ears. Curious now to find out what it was, I crept closer for a look. I really didn't need to, it seems.

I came upon McGonagall and Lockhart, sharing a picnic under the sun. As she was laid out, clad in but a red g-string, Lockhart danced bare around her doing the jiggle wiggle for her amusement.

Some things are not meant to be jiggled or wiggled and I hexed it as soon as I saw it.

McGonagall is furious that I ruined her night of fun and as for Lockhart ... well I am sure it can be reattached.

**June -**

Finally, the students are leaving, and thankfully Potter cannot stay for the duration of the Summer, no matter how much he wants to. Pfft. 

Lockhart has been reduced to a blathering idiot, as if he wasn't before, and Tom Riddle's diary was destroyed. I knew that girl was possessed, I just knew it.

And apparently, Harry left me with a parting gift for the summer. A very big, very colorful box sat on my desk, with a bow on top. Eyeing it warily, I switched the nametag and sent it to Dumbledore.

As I watch the old wizard fall out of his window with what looks like flames shooting from his anus, I know I did the right thing. Poor Albus, I shall have to buy the man some Depends later.

For now, I will rest this diary until September, when the school year starts again.

Always,  
Severus Snape

-

_TBC_


	3. Chapter 3 of 7

**Title: **The Diary of Severus Snape 3/7  
**Authors:** TrinityTheSheDevil and LeggyLover03  
**Rating:** M (Mature)  
**Genre:** Humor  
**Warnings:** Completely AU and totally OOC. If you're here looking for canon, please go elsewhere. We're so far off the mark it isn't even funny ... but ... yet it is funny! Mwahahahaha.  
**Summary:** The diary of Snape, lasting through Harry's years at Hogwarts. (Written with LeggyLover03.) 

**A/N:**

Thanks to everyone for all the reading/reviewing, keep it up:)

Sorry for the rating change. However our tainted minds came up with this and ... well, you'll see. Enjoy, or at least try to. Oh and we are not responsible for people laughing themselves to death.

-

**Year 3 **

September -

Year three and the assh-, sorry, professor that has taken the Defense Against the Dark Arts job is none other than Remus Lupin. What the hell? Oh yes, Dumbledore, brilliant idea there. Employ a _werewolf_ to work with students ... not to mention a werewolf who was good friends with James Potter and Sirius Black. Pfft. Oh and Sirius escaped from Azkaban. To come here and team up with his godson, no doubt. I shall hex him on sight if I see him, for the memory of being turned into a female dog in heat is still inscribed into my brain and I will never forgive him for that.

**October -**

Here we are again at the Halloween feast. I have been made to come from my dungeons to join in the festivities by Albus. I must learn to say no to that man someday. The night was dreadful from the start as he sat me beside Lupin of all people. I loathe the man, and yet I fear what he becomes.

I was drinking my spiked pumpkin juice, as I had mixed a bit of Firewhiskey in with it before the others arrived. I should have known that my night would not go well when I saw Potter and his friend Weasley staring at me grinning.

Unknown to me they had spiked my punch, and not knowing it had whiskey in it made the potion have adverse results. I am still shamed by them even now as I write this. 

After the fourth glass the room seemed to be growing hotter and hotter. I was in my usual attire, but found that it was too constricting so I removed my pants and sat there in bliss, now much cooler. It was not until downing two mores drinks that the band began to play, and I found the sudden urge to dance.

I climb onto the table forgetting my pants were now gone, and walked the length of it. The music made me sway my hips to and fro, and I was soon doing movement I thought impossible and yet they were very amusing to me. McGonagall was not amused and she promptly fainted as my bare ass passed her by. Flitwick being so short was trying to look at his plate, and Hagrid found it was not so great being tall if the height brought you eye level to my balls that were dangling freely now in his face.

It was none of these people I cared about as I walked to stand in front of Lupin. Years he and his bunch taunted me and I wanted to show him how I really adored him. I started singing as the students were hustled out the door. The song was one I had often heard coming from the girls dormitory.

"It's raining men!" I started singing in front of Lupin, as I swung my jewels to and fro in front of him. He promptly pointed his wand at me but I cared not. I grabbed my wang and started to twirl it in front of his plate, but that was a mistake. He first turned a shade of green, and then the bastard thumped me in my nuts. I must say it hurt, and I was then unceremoniously dragged from the table by Albus. 

I begged him to obliviate Potter but he wouldn't, and now I must think of my own way to kill him before he reveals anything. 

**November -**

Finally having come up with a brilliant plan to get Potter and all his friends back for the trauma and torture they have caused me, I put invisible barriers on all of their toilets. Needless to say when they went to the bathroom, their piss rebounded and splattered them all, making them late for class yet not wanting to say why. It was amusing if I do not say so myself and I congratulated myself on a job well done.

That was, until, I woke up one night with something furry on top of me and something breathing on my nuts.

Potter and his usual gang stood by my bed - how they got in I do not know but I will find out - and Harry had his wand pointed at me. Ron then held a large mirror up that allowed me to see myself and ... what had appeared to be a werewolf on the bed with my jewels in its mouth, drooling on my precious attachments as if it were a slab of steak.

I am not afraid to admit here I was rather terrified, not only of the fact that this animal - at the time I thought was Lupin - could bite my nuts off, but also turn me into a werewolf.

Harry then told me that I was to report to class the next day clad in nothing but a pink fur coat, stockings, and high heels, and that I had to swear it on a wizard's vow.

Well when one's nuts are in the mouth of an animal who could chew them up like soft candy, one will agree to anything. (The animal, I later learned, was merely an average dog, but I had been hexed while I slept to mistake it for a werewolf.)

I am thankful that Albus once again obliviated the entire student body, and I have learned that walking in high heels is not as easy as it seems.

**December -**

Potter's family should all be wiped off the face of the earth, seriously. I was having a wonderful day enjoying the solitude of my dungeon and fell asleep. My dreams were strange and I felt very odd as if I could not wake from them. Little did I know the bastard Potter with the help of the Granger girl had put something in my drink.

I awoke to find myself covered in bits of tape. This normally would not have been a problem, but I am a hairy man, by genetics, and the tape was in every area of my body. I went to pull off the first piece as my wand had somehow been removed from my pillow when Potter walked in, Remus tagging along behind him.

"Get out!" I yelled, but they didn't of course. Remus offered to help me, and he snatched one of the pieces from my chest off. Sweet Merlin that hurt, and I had to grit my teeth to keep from yelling. Potter snickered and ran out the door and soon came back in with Albus, I was relieved.

Albus told me that the tape could not be removed magically, but had to be removed by the person who had placed it there. I thought the man was mental, but he looked serious.

"Potter!" I yelled, and sure enough he came over, grinning all the while.

"You will be in detention for a month for this!" I yelled at him, but he told me it was worth it, as he and the Weasley boy started ripping pieces of tape. I bit my tongue so hard I tasted blood, and saw Minerva walk in and gasp. If I had known that Dumbledore was paying me back for my surliness I would have choked Potter, but he only revealed that to Minerva at the time. Now I understand the smile on her face.

Potter removed all but three pieces, those residing on and around my nuts. Weasley took great pleasure in snatching the first piece off as I screamed out, but I was damned and determined not to scream again as it sent him into a fit of giggles. The second piece was even worse and again I had to scream. Potter and Weasley were beside themselves laughing.

Potter places his fingers on the last piece a look of pure joy on his face at the pain to come, and yanked. I screamed like a girl, Potter and Weasley gasping for air in their laughter, but having one's hair removed in such a way also caused me to lose body control and I pissed on myself and Potter and his friend.

I feel it was a just payment for damages done as they choked on my piss. I am now hairfree, and ready for revenge, but they shall not soon forget the taste either.

**January -**

It seems Potter may be running out of ideas on how to have me killed and/or maimed by the Dark Lord, so he has reverted back to improving old ones. I seem to remember nearly stirring the Lord's potion with a rubber imitation of the male anatomy, however this is far worse than that time and I have been cursed many times for it. 

As we stood in a circle - we being me, the deatheaters, and the Dark Lord - You-Know-Who called me forth to again proclaim my loyalty to him. Pfft. If he only knew, the rotten bastard that he is. Ahem. Anyway.

I stood before him, and though he may be a bastard, he is still a sight to behold. I remember the reason why I decided to join him when I was young - after all, as impressive and powerful as he looked, he had to be going _somewhere_ good in life, right? But I'm getting off topic here. I stood calmly before him and kneeled on one knee, awaiting his task. That was when my pocket started vibrating, quite loudly.

With wide eyes, I decided to ignore it, but the Dark Lord hissed in anger and informed me to empty my pockets for him. Cringing inwardly, I slipped my hand around the buzzing object and held it up for his inspection.

That was when it had started to sing, in an annoying high pitched voice ...

_"Pussy, pussy, oh my pussy,  
I'm the amazing pocket pussy!  
Whether you are a fugly dick,  
Or have some problems with your stick,  
I'm the wonderful miracle for you,  
Here to make your dreams come true!  
I'm the vibrating, jiggling, bundle of joy,  
Here to be your own playtoy,  
So Dark Lord come and play with me,  
I will be your fantasy!"_

There was dead silence for all of a minute before He hissed, "Is this some joke, Severus?"

I honestly could not answer, still staring at the vibrating thing in my hand that had conjured a little hat and cane and had formed a dance to the song that was now repeating itself. When I said nothing, He proceeded to hex me over and over, flinging curses at me left and right. I could not retaliate because that would have meant certain death.

As I sit here writhing on the ground, barely recovered from the curses, I realize several things. One, I am alone in a part of the woods that is so secluded that I doubt even Dumbledore could get to. Two, I will absolutely kill Potter the next time I see him. And three, the Dark Lord has left me here and taken the pocket pussy with him.

This surely has to be my lowest moment.

**February -**

This is what they call the month of love. I scoff at the idea, and have found that I usually spend my day making antidotes for the love potions silly girls put upon unsuspecting boys in the school. This is the case again this year, and I have enlisted the help of the third year and above classes.

They have shown for some reason great knowledge in this spell and I cannot fathom why. I no longer care as the last patient has been treated and I have returned to my room to get some much needed rest.

As I entered something told me someone had been in my room, and I was at once on alert. I checked every inch of the sitting room and then the bedroom but found nothing out of place. It was not until I went into the kitchen that I found it, a statue of Argus Filch.

To say any picture or statue of the insufferable squib is beyond sickening is without question, but as I peered closer I could see this one was chocolate. Turning away from it I went to bed.

It was around three in the morning when I sat up thinking more and more about the chocolate. It wasn't as if anyone had ever gotten me any chocolate, and now I found myself craving it. Without lighting anything other than the tip of my wand I made it into the kitchen and stared again at the chocolate statue before a smile crossed my face.

In my mind I knew it was wrong, but I am not known for being very sweet. With a small knife I carved a section of the chocolate out and carried it back to my bed. I sat in my bed munching happily on the chocolate, and went back to sleep, an even more devious smile on my face.

It was screams that awoke me, horrifying screams, like the ones I heard at meetings with the Dark Lord. I jumped from my bed and ran into the kitchen, just as Lupin, Dumbledore, Sirius, and Minerva tumbled from the floo, wands drawn.

We all followed the screams and they led to the statue, the one that the night before had been chocolate but that was now quite alive, and my face fell.

The churning of my stomach was out of control and soon I found myself heaving all over Dumbledore's shoes, while Black and Lupin rolled about the floor laughing. I did not find anything amusing at all as I grabbed onto the Headmaster's leg trying to keep from retching again on his shoes, but each time I heard Filch scream I retched again.

**March -**

The weather is finally improving somewhat, so for once I decided to go out of the dungeon for a class. It is a rare thing but one that I indulge in once every few years. My mistake that I was outside when Potter had class with me.

We were studying the poisons of the Axodile root, a plant that whithers in the darkness and only springs in direct sunlight. It in itself was the reason I had decided to have class outside today. Class went relatively well, with little mishaps.

Well, until Potter accidentally dropped a beaker full of the strained solution of the root. And it splattered ... all over me.

The poison itself is not fatal, but can be if mixed with the right ingredients. I, however, am not so dumb as to let Potter and his gang mix a fatal concoction that could very well kill me. There is no solution for the poison either, it simply has to wear off.

In the true sense, it is not a poison. But it is called one because of the havoc it creates. The root, when introduced to bare skin, makes the skin secrete a pheromone that attracts male unicorns. It is their mating call.

I suppose it was amusing for Potter to see not one, not two, but three unicorns jump from the forest and attack me to the ground. I am sure they got a very good laugh watching the unicorns chase me around the school until Dumbledore was finally able to stop them, though not quite in time. Let us just say I am glad the unicorns have poor aim.

I have spent the remainder of the week in my room with the door locked, rocking back and forth and attempting to obliviate myself of the images that are sure to haunt me for the rest of my life.

**April -**

It is a great pleasure to know that in a couple of months the Potter gang will be out of my hair. Those three continue to test my limits, and I find myself wishing to banish them to some deserted island.

It seems however fate is against me. Earlier today they, or better yet Ms. Granger learned how they used to banish wizards to an remote island. I know I fell asleep in history of magic class, but Ms. Granger no, and she of course has shared what she has learned with Potter and Weasley.

I was enjoying a nice cup of tea in the Great Hall when I felt the familiar tug behind my navel to alert me to the port key, and I landed in some remote part of the desert. At first I thought it was Voldemort, but no. Soon I was surrounded by villagers in loincloths. It would appear I was something strange to them, and they conversed to themselves in some strange tongue.

I was not worried until I was pushed down, and one of them removed my shoe. Now this in itself is strange but when the small man began sucking on my toes and then shaking his head happily to the others I grew very worried.

There was salt brought out and vegetables and I soon found myself stripped happily by several women who left lots to be desired. I mean really had these women never heard of a bra?

Soon there was dancing, by the women and unfortunately the naked men. I must say to see thirty naked men, with wooden sticks holding up their peckers, was most disturbing, but it was when the very large woman began to beat me beside my head in some sort of rhythm with her breasts that I was shocked.

The crowds cheered as I fought to get away. As if the dance were not enough, the villagers then placed me in a pot of water, bound by my hands, and each member of the tribe came to the pot and urinated in it.

This is how I found myself, surrounded by short naked men and women, sitting in a pot full of piss while the shortest one of the tribe continued to suck upon my toes.

I took off running, fear gripping me, and the villagers followed. I passed several others people calling for help, but they just joined in the chase. Minutes later quite out of breath and hiding in the nearby bush, I wondered who had sent me here, and it came to me.

Potter! I yelled, and as if by magic a portal appeared across the small field. All I had to do was get there, so I took off running. Big mistake as the crowd found me and were determined to get to me first.

Only fifty feet, and I was jumped on and thrown to the ground. I did not think it possible but the woman with the large breasts hanging to her navel flung the huge things at my head and I found myself staggering and then falling to the ground. It was here I prayed for death, and the last sight I saw was the small mans testicles dangling over my face as he found that I had fingers and they should be sucked too with glee.

I woke to find Potter and Weasley over me. I glared at them, but they took off running as I seemed to have pulled the small man through the portal with me. I thought the day could get no worse, but it did when Black walked in followed by Potter. Now I only wish for death.

**May -**

I wonder, how in the world I have managed to survive as I have. Looking back, it seems an amazing feat. And it is ... a lesser man would have given up years ago, I'm sure.

So when I opened the door to my room last night, the sight of a naked house elf dancing around on my bed only caused me to sigh and shake my head. Leaning out the door, I called for Potter to remove his friend before I decided to give him clothes, or my booted foot up his ass. 

Revenge was sweet though, and I hope Potter enjoyed the pay-by-the-hour goblin I sent to his bed to wait for him after he was done with Quidditch practice.

**June - **

I thank Merlin every year, when the summer months get here for then I will be free from the likes of Potter and his gang for a few precious months. I am almost so happy I could smile as I watch them go upstairs to pack their things for the train, but my happiness is short lived.

I am to go with the teachers to supervise their departure, and I can think of no sweeter gift than to see them leaving knowing that I got rid of that bastard Lupin.

Potter seems crushed, and I hide my smirk, behind a glare. It was as he was loading into the carriages to go home, and I myself loaded into one, that their parting gift was bestowed upon me. Inside the carriage was Black and with him was Lupin. They smiled at me, and I paled for this could not be good. 

Lupin has always been stronger though I am loathe to admit it, and he held me down as Black pulled down his trunk and pulled something from it. I was horrified, I was repulsed and again I found the small man latching onto my fingers.

The two of them watched in amusement, as Lupin placed a body bind on me. They even laughed gleefully when the man tore off my sock and began to bite off my toenails, as if they were an X-Mas feast.

It was when the carriage stopped, that the body bind was released and I flew from the carriage not caring who saw me. I regret this decision now.

It seems it is not good for one's reputation to be seen fleeing from a carriage with a small man trying suck upon your toes. My reputation was further soiled when I tripped and fell only a few feet from Potter and he watched laughing as the small man tried to part my ass cheeks with a spoon. To say having one's bowels scraped with a spoon is painful, to have it done is saying something else.

I am now recovering in the hospital wing. I cannot shit without screaming, and this is why you don't piss off werewolves.

Always,  
Severus Snape

-

End


	4. Chapter 4 of 7

Title: The Diary of Severus Snape 4/7  
Authors: TrinityTheSheDevil and LeggyLover03  
Rating: Adult  
Genre: Humor  
Warnings: Completely AU and totally OOC. If you're here looking for canon, please go elsewhere. We're so far off the mark it isn't even funny ... but ... yet it is funny! Mwahahahaha.  
Summary: The diary of Snape, lasting through Harry's years at Hogwarts. (Written with LeggyLover03.)

A/N:

:Blinkblink: Ok, some of this ... not quite sure where it came from. We wish to tap into this reserve of evil ideas more often though. Also, we apologize for the rating change. However it cannot be helped. Some things are just too evil.

-

**Year 2**

**September -**

Another year at Hogwarts, which means another year with Potter. The opening feast we were graced of course with the other schools of wizardry and witchcraft. I myself loathe them both, and their headmaster/headmistress. Just as I sat down to enjoy my meal, who do I see staring over at me, but Karkaroff. many times I have warned this man to stay way from me.

A long time back in Voldemort's ranks, he got drunk, and exposed himself to me. He wished for me to see his Dark Mark, and I told him it wasn't on the head of his pecker. I awoke the next morning with a lump on my head, and a drawing of a snake on mine, with the words 'Property of Karkaroff" written on it. I was livid and began to beat him about the head.

Of course I was cursed by the Dark Lord for injuring one of his followers. If he were not enough Madame Maxine in her drunkenness has battered her eyes at me. I told her in no uncertain terms that I shall not be giving her the lovins she wishes, but she did not understand, and rubbed my thigh thinking it was Hagrid's.

The night I thought was over, and I could return to my room to plot on how to kill Potter painfully, when a storm started brewing outside, and in walked a very muddy Alastor Moody. The man should have been banished long ago. It is no secret that I hate him, even Dumbledore knows this. I glared at him, showing him my distaste for him even being there, and what does he do but sticks his tongue out at me.

I tried to ignore him, honest I did, but that tongue thing started to annoy me deeply. I pulled my wand out to hex him, but that big oaf Hagrid bumped into me and I landed face first on top of him instead. I couldn't move, as he was on top of me, and he couldn't stand with his leg under the table where it landed.

His tongue flicked in my ear and I flipped out! McGonagall tried to help me up, but that only ended in her landing atop both of us. I am now in need of fire whiskey and a wash cloth. Seems Moody not only licked my ear but also tried to stick his tongue down my throat. He stopped that when I bit his tongue, but he kicked me in my balls for it.

McGonagall didn't help matters as she climbed over me, to stand and I saw up her tartan dress. A woman of that age should not go without under garments, for white hooha hair is something that I do not wish to see.

Potter will have to die tomorrow. Tonight I must soak my tongue in alcohol, and owl order McGonagall some underwear.

**October -**

A visitor arrived here at Hogwarts to observe the school for a few months. I was told by Dumbledore that she was to receive special treatment, for she was a 'sensitive individual'. And then she walked in the door. At first I thought she was a relative of Madame Maxine, but it seems she is not. Rather, a very, very large woman. I told Dumbledore that the only special treatment she should get is to be thrown from a plane over Ethiopia, for they are hungry and she would feed them for many months. I shudder again a I think of the small man with the spoon.

I greeted her politely of course, since she was from another school, and we are always trying to improve our relationships with other places. She told me that she had never seen a place like Hogwarts, for it was so big and beautiful, and then asked me if I loved things that were big and beautiful. I could not speak at that moment, but not because I had nothing to say. More, I was trying to remove her hand from the inside of my thigh and keep her lips away from mine.

I fled back to my room straight after, fearing that if I rejected her in the way that I wanted to, she would be offended and leave. Not that I would mind, but I respected Dumbledore's wishes. Until the next morning, however, when she came to sit at the teacher's table at breakfast. As she moved to sit down, she tripped (over what, I do not know) and clipped the table with, from what I saw, her left asscheek. The table broke clean in two. I was shocked at first. I mean how does one break a table in two pieces with just their left asscheek? I began to form schedules in my head to have the students figure out this equation. How fast would she have to fall, how much would her left asscheek have to weigh, and how hard would she have to hit to equal that much force?

But anyway. The entire great hall shook, and some students even fell over. I should not have laughed, but the woman was trapped in the remains of the table and could not stand again. It took Dumbledore, McGonagall, Flitwick, and my magic together to hoist the woman back on her feet. The last we saw of her, she was fleeing from Hogwarts to go back to her own school, and her progress was noted on the muggle Richter scale.

I do hope she never returns, for our lovely tables are very hard to come by.

**November -**

It had been a very long week. I was tired; so tired that I fell asleep on my bed and did not bother to undress or even lock the door. All I wanted was sleep, and damn anybody who wished to kill me while I was resting.

While I slept, I had such a lovely dream. I dreamt that I was carving a woman from some soft substance. A beautiful woman it was; when I was done, she came to life, and clasped my face with her hands. We kissed and began to make love.

I did not want the dream to end, for I was enjoying it quite a bit. I was somewhat disturbed when the woman started uttering soft "squish" sounds, but paid it no mind, for I had a gorgeous woman beneath me. "Snape!" I heard come from her lips, but with Potter's voice. It was odd, but still I continued on. 

"Professor Snape!" She called again with the boy's voice. I slowed down, staring at her strangely. "SNAPE!" She called, and I opened my eyes.

Wait, opened my eyes? What the hell? It was then that I realized it was all a dream. Well, some of it. During the dream I had sleptwalk to my own kitchen area and carved a hole into a pumpkin, and ... well, let us just say I know what that squishing sound was.

As I turned to stare at Harry, who apparently was there to inform me I was late for my own class, I forgot about the pumpkin. It hung from my nether regions, swaying to and fro, with pumpkin drippings plopping onto the floor. Harry was looking at me with both eyebrows raised.

"I will tell nobody so long as you tell nobody that I just saw that." He said.

I agreed, of course, even though I was tempted to obliviate him. Dumbledore had warned me against that though, since Harry had been obliviated quite a bit over the past few years. I took a quick shower to remove the juice from the pumpkin and other things, and then walked to the classroom with Harry. On the way there, I looked at him and said, "Potter, your hair is a mess. Have you no decency? You should learn to use a brush."

To which he replied, "I was not the one who was found making hot sweet monkey love to a pumpkin."

I could say nothing, for he had a point. However, I am now left wondering what exactly "hot sweet monkey love" is, and if my performance on an inanimate object was so great, could I impress an actual woman with these talents.

**December -**

Deck the halls my ass. The wee bit of happiness I got was doused as Weasley and Potter made up. I felt the urge to drink myself into a stupor to forget the images of happiness that everyone seemed to have.

If that wasn't enough they announced the Yule Ball, and I detest balls. The Yule Ball began with those annoying children parading around, the girls half dressed, the boys looking rather stupid, but by far the worst was Weasley.

I was forced to stand guard over the heathens, and was even asked to dance by Minerva. She would not leave me alone, she dragged me onto the dance floor, and put her hand on my ass. I must say at first I was shocked, but more so when her hand began to move up and down. This is when I knew I had to get out of there.

I spent the next two hours catching the kids trying to snog in the carriages, behind the statue in the garden, and even inside the bushes. I mean honestly what is the fascination with tonguing another person. I myself am above such acts, and I was willing to hex them all. 

Karkaroff found me wandering around doing my job and the twit would not stop following me. He was like a roach, that just seemed to keep coming back, and I wanted to hex him as well. I was not expecting it, and he pinned me up against one of the carriages. The first hint that something was wrong was when he went to whisper something to me, and his tongue slipped into my ear. I promptly growled, and froze his tongue in place. I smiled at my handiwork, but he was not to be stopped.

Before I could react the man placed his hands on his hips and removed his pants. It was snowing! He had to be cold, and from the way his wang shriveled back inside his body I was sure of it. Did that stop him, no. He rubbed up against me, and I swear I kicked with all my might. What did I get for my troubles you ask? Well, I scared the piss out of Karkaroff literally, and then he begged me on his hands and knees to not reveal him to anyone. 

This was the time Dumbledore chose to show up, with Karkaroff on his knees in front of me, his head level with my own pecker, and without his pants. Damn Christmas, damn the queers who seek me out, for I know I am irresistible. Kararoff had to be seen by Pomfrey for frostbite, and I am writing to his family describing in detail his love for goats in heat, snicker.

**January -**

I'm not quite sure how it happened, but I know Potter was behind it. When I awoke one morning, I found myself unable to lie. It is not such a big thing, and I thought that I could last the day without any major mishaps. It seems I was very wrong in this assumption.

After I informed McGonagall she had "saggy hooters", told Dumbledore I needed to get laid badly, and let slip in my conversation with the Minister of Magic that I have had the shits for an entire week with no end in sight, I decided to hide in my room until this wears off.

Potter shall die, of this I am sure. 

**February -**

A date is what Dumbledore called it. Supposedly he set me up with a date, and then laid a guilt trip on me till I caved to his demands. I am now dressed in muggle attire no less, and I hate it.

I walked to the restaurant where I was to meet this woman, Dumbledore saying we matched according to the muggle contraption called the computer. I waited for over twenty minutes for this woman, and when she showed up I felt less of a man. 

I ordered a steak, medium rare, and she ordered an entire rack of lamb. I watched as she sucked every drop of the meat off, picking her teeth with the bones. If that was not enough she then began to suck on my fingers I thought, but no she was actually biting my nails off. These she spit into my wine glass.

To say the night was over was one thing, but the rack of lamb began speaking of a return in the way of her producing a foul odor. I once thought the innards of a goat were the worst odor but no, it was in fact the farts coming from my date.

I left her at the table, my valentine over, as she began sniffing the fingers of the people sitting next to us. Dumbledore must die for this.

**March -**

I have vowed to never again investigate a noise without first trying to see what it is. As I was heading towards the roof to study the stars for a moment so that I would know if my new potion would turn out right, I heard a strange "aaahhh". Thinking it was one (or two) of the students out of bed and doing things they shouldn't be, I swiftly stepped behind them and grabbed what I thought was a robe.

I was badly mistaken.

Instead, it seems Dumbledore himself was on the roof, doing things that HE shouldn't have been, and I had grabbed the towel that held the results of his activities. To say I was disgusted would be putting it mildly. To say I was on the verge of throwing up would be more accurate. As I stood there, thinking "Oh my god. Old man ... old man jizz ... crusty jizz on my hand ... ", Dumbledore looked quite happy. I'm sure he would be, as after all, he had just gotten through wacking his willy and was no doubt feeling some amount of pride. (How does one so old still get it to work?)

I flung the towel down and ran into my room, screaming "SCOURGIFY!" the entire way. I did not sleep, and all through the next day students who came near me heard me uttering the scourgify spell over and over until my hand turned a raw red color. My nightmare was not over though, for that night in the Great Hall, we were served cream corn. I looked at the food with complete and utter disgust ... and then, Dumbledore reached across the table to offer me a chicken leg. 

The entire student body watched as I ran from the Great Hall with my hands clapped over my mouth holding back the vomit. I am now getting ready for bed since I cannot hold my eyes open any longer, but I have my hand soaking in a large bowl of cleaning solution. Perhaps tomorrow I will not feel so dirty but I doubt it.

**April -**

I have locked myself in my room. I have never been so traumatized in all my life. I was not expecting the practical joke, least of all by who I thought was Dumbledore. I received an invitation to dine in a new restaurant. Once I arrived I was seated and served the most delicious food. The pot roast being delightful. Before dessert music started, strange music and I found myself staring at over twenty women, naked and dancing about the room.

I was appalled, my mouth hanging open in horror, until I saw what they were dancing around. In the middle of the room sat a women completely naked, and weighing no less than six hundred pounds. I stood up to leave, but it seems instead that meant I had volunteered.

I was marched over to the fat woman and she nodded her head towards me. The owner then told me I was to eat grapes from her navel, as a token of good faith. I had my fork in my hand and thought I could simply stab this woman and get away, I was wrong. The folds of flab were lifted and I saw her navel. My head went in but it did not come out so easily, and the sweat from her body slicked my hair back.

I was then told of the other rituals that should be performed and I lost it. "Eat a grape from her navel, a row of green beans from her toes! What the hell do you mean slather her ass in the purified milk of a goat? I am sure if you part her ass you will find the goat, and a few more things!"

Several people were now glaring at me, including the woman. I parted her ass crack with disgust and found cookie crumbs. Logic escaped me then, for I could not reason why or how cookie crumbs had gotten into her ass crevice. Upon looking again I spotted half a hot dog, two butter beans, and a piece of cheese. I could not imagine touching it so I stabbed my spoon into her ass and fled the restaurant.

The next day as I sat at the Head Table in the Great Hall I looked down at the Daily Prophet. The headline in huge flashing letters read, "SACRED ANIMAL FOUND." I was intrigued and read further. 'Hundreds revealed reports say that the animal in question has been hiding in the fat woman's ass, but it seems the butter beans she had last night for dinner gave her tremendous gas, and she in turn farted.

The fart sent the animal hurtling from her ass at a rapid speed, killing the waiter and damaging the wall behind him.

Dumbledore is now asking me why I am eating my ice cream with a fork, but I do not think I can ever touch a spoon again, knowing mine is still lost somewhere in the fat lady's ass. Potter of course was the culprit, and he shall pay for this, oh he shall pay, for now I must go throw up, and try to rid my mind of the images within it.

**May -**

There are some things a man should not see. Hagrid and Madame Maxine waltzing naked through the maze that is growing is one of them.

Dear god my eyes are still burning!

**June -**

I have waited all year for my revenge, and I stood on the train waiting for the prank to go off. Just as expected the stink bomb went off in Potter's compartment. I was all smiles, my laughter barely contained, but instead of being upset when he stepped from the smoking train he was smiling.

I didn't understand it then, but when I returned to my room I found a glass of what I thought was fire whiskey. I drank it in victory when the owl swopped in, note attached to its foot.

The note read of how they had expected me to seek revenge, and also went further to tell me of the drugs they had slipped into my drink.

It took two days to wear off, but by that time I had accosted Minerva, Poppy, two house elves, and the goat in Hagrid's house. I am shamed, and my doctor says that I must wear it in a sling. Potter must not come back to Hogwarts.

**July -**

So now it comes to it. Voldemort is back, Moody was not really Moody, and yet again Harry Potter has survived. He retold the story to us and I have to say I laughed. I overheard Voldemort's real reason for coming back, and it was not just to kill Harry Potter, although that was a plus.

It seems that the pocket pussy is not usable for one in the form that Voldemort just changed from. Serves him right for abandoning me all those months ago and taking it with him, the bastard. I hope it electrocutes him.

At least I have the rest of the summer to look forward to now and NO Harry Potter. Insert extreme happy thought here.

Always,  
Severus Snape

_TBC ... _


End file.
